Dear Diary

People are the worst.

Game of Thrones S03 Ep09

 

GoT controls my emotions like no other.  

Just to be so close to everything you have been rooting for to happen. The Starks to find each other. For Arya to be so close to Robb and her mother, and Bran and Rickon to be soooo damn close to Jon. Arghhhhh so many emotions!

Karen Walker superfine skull ring

 

I have wanted this forever! So in the tradition of online shopping when there are assignments to be done I just ordered mine. Hopefully they have the ring size I guesstimated in stock. Eeeeep excited! Finally my first Karen Walker piece of jewellery! 

x

Feeling sick... I think I got that travel bug!

So lately I have been looking at maps and such trying to figure out where I want to go. This is pretty much everywhere. I have to do a lot of research but for the mean time this gives me inspiration.



This link is to the article this beautiful picture came from. It talks about a food walking tour in Rome. I've been to Rome and I wish I knew of this. We did all the usual touristy things that you do in Rome but our lack of knowing the language prohibited us from venturing out food-wise.

All I can say now is I want some gelato!!

x

Sooo yesterday..

Today I have been on an emotional rollercoaster. I hate rollercoasters. They make me feel scared, nervous, like my stomach is on fire and my heartbeats uncontrollably. Sometimes life just gets stressful and people add fuel to that fire. Maybe they do not know that gasoline has been trickling in for a while now, and so they are making digs and what feels like are passive (or not so passive) personal attacks suddenly strike a match to an everlasting flow of uncontrollable emotion, tears, and ugly crying. 

So much emotion, embarrassment and ugly tears came out of me today. I feel tired. So tired and people making me feel like I don’t function properly don’t help my already high levels of self-doubt and low confidence.

I realised today that I am extremely lucky.

I have the most amazing friends. I have people I can turn to when I am feeling like I need to give up on everything. Not everyone has that. When I was fifteen I would not have felt like this was the case at all. I feel like I can let these friends know I am at the end of my tether and they will love me and support me unconditionally. Firstly what the heck is wrong with these people? Secondly I don’t know if they will know how much that means to me. I have some quality people in my life and the term “friend” does not even comprehend what they are to me. I have found my lifelong friendships.

Today has been so emotionally draining but I feel like I have realised I am blessed. I don’t think I believe in God and I feel like blessed is a god/bible thing to say but I don’t know how else I could describe this extreme condition of having these people in my life.

My mum has also reminded me of how lucky I should feel. She wasn’t trying to guilt me but just to know her story (she doesn’t often talk about) makes me so grateful for the little (or a lot more than others) that I have. She grew up one of ten kids in a small shack in Jakarta. When it rained it leaked all through the small home. Her family couldn’t afford much and would eat cassava for most meals and cheap fruits or vegetables and hardly any meat cause they could not afford it. She went to school not in a proper school. She sat with other poor children learning outside under a jackfruit tree on the dirt roads. Her father, who showed her more love and compassion than her mother while she was young, died when she was 8 and she did not cry because she did not understand death at that time. She misses him terribly to this day. She later realised her mother loved her very much and that she had a hard time looking after 10 children on her own. How could she have given them all the attention they needed as well as try to provide for them?

My mum came to New Zealand in 1979 for a better life. I know she has more here than she could have if she stayed in Indonesia but she doesn’t have much to show for herself in terms of material things. Addiction has taken away what she spent years and years working hard for. But my sisters and I have learnt from my parent’s mistakes. We are hard working, careful and thoughtful in how we live so that we don’t have to go through the heartache and uncertainty we had to grow up through. We grew up faster than we should have. My childhood was different to a lot of others but I take those experiences as making me the way I am now. My Mum feels guilty for what we have had to give up now and I used to be so angry about it but I understand that addiction is a sickness and you can’t change the past. I also know my mum loves me like nobody ever will and that a mother’s love is special and probably the strongest feeling ever. She would do anything for my sisters and me.

I spent so much of my life trying not to care for the world. But now I am older I see it all in a different light. Maybe I can’t explain it right now but all I know is I don’t want to contribute to negatives out there. I don’t want to feel like I have hurt someone’s feelings or contributed to a bad day someone may be having. I want to create positive change. I want people to see the greatness of the world we live in. I don’t know what I want for my self but I know I want to make others happy and I can only do that if I am happy.  So my plan is simple. Do something that makes me feel like there is good in the world, something that gives me hope. I don’t know what that is exactly but I’m working on it.

Today I am grateful for all that I have. I haven’t had to deal with half the struggles my mother has been through and what many people go through everyday. I want to thank the people I will most likely not show this to. How much they helped me today. Sometimes it can be hard to look on the bright side of life all the time. You need to see the darkness to appreciate the light again. I have so much light in my life it’s unreal.

X

#5 When things get serious

So the shooting at the Batman midnight screening in Aurora...

It makes me feel so sad and so angry like what the hell!

It may sound weird but at times like this I wish that I had a faith. Now I hate when people say this but when people say things like "you'll be in my prayers" or "I'll pray for you" or anything like that it makes me cringe and I just hate it. I think because a lot of the time when people say it they are being condescending, annoying and unnecessary. Anyway my point is I think its only appropriate when something tragic happens. It's sad but true. As a bystander of tragic things that happen we feel for the people that are lost or for the loss that others endure and we want to help but we can't. It's human nature. Having these victims in our prayers would make it feel like we are doing something by acknowledging them and remembering them. I think it may be in a way a self soothing mechanism as it makes you feel better.

If I had a faith I would pray for these people hurt by the actions of a crazy man. But I don't so instead I feel helpless.

For those affected, you are in my thoughts.

#4 I'm dying...

 ...My hair purple!

The ends were starting to go browny blonde so I thought I would freshen them up. And I may have left spots of purple dye over the window sill and basin. Possibly even left a faint lilac stain in the bath tub. Also while I was letting my hair process I may have lay down on my bed and watched a few episodes of Cake Boss and left purple marks on my WHITE pillowcase.

On the upside my hair smells like bubblegum thanks to the RAW colour dye my sis got me from Hot Topic when she was in the States.

I may post some pics of my hair tomorrow during daylight if I don't forget.

It's the first day back at uni tomorrow *insert sad face*